She won't regret it. I really don’t know where to go from here. My husband is my partner, not my superior. My husband NEVER goes to the grocery store with me. yes they are being raised by the nursery - so once they are at shool, your children are also raised by the school? They can't take a sick day because mummy is working. Take this survey - £50 voucher to be won, How have you shown your appreciation for the NHS? Anonymous: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote:Everyone's already bashing you so I won't add to it but I'll just say my DH doesn't "believe in" SAHMs either. The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. He can be so petty. Part time hours on full pay? @Shadyshadow You have taken it upon yourself to change the narrative. It’s really a compliment because there are many husbands who don’t want to spend time with their wives. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. Then the mum could work 15-20 hi ours a week and keep a wage. @SueEllenMishkeBut sahm are not doing what's right? So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. Reading some of the threads on mumsnet I’m not surprised a high percentage of women on mumsnet want to be SAHM. In a nutshell he is pissed I didn't want to quit my job and be a SAHM for Lizzy but I do for our son and so therefore I love our son more and that makes me … What if both parents want to be a sahp.Where is the mans 'natural' need to provide for his wife and child and let his wife stay home, if he is staying at home.Non of your points make sense. *So it's a game of dibs?Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins?*Huh? There is a possible happy medium to this, as many stay-at-home moms have discovered: earn income from home as a part-time … In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”. What do you do? My family also lives an hour away and generally if there is a party down that way, I go with the kids. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. That parent will be seeing their child for a couple of hours at best on week days. That being said, I have a specific job that could be done remotely. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). Let’s talk a little bit about how support gets into place and how long it takes. Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. Yes, got forbid the woman takes equal financial responsibility for the child she is an equal parent of.Yes, god forbid the woman takes equal responsibility for her children and wants to contribute by raising a family. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. Message deleted by MNHQ. It's sad they don't have some calmer days at home. A narcissistic husband is all about control. Hello! I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed. What was decided before you had the 18 month old? My family also lives an hour away and generally if there is a party down that way, I go with the kids. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. Subject: Re:Husband will not let me be a SAHM. By . Statements like that do nothing but make women feel like shit. Wellness. As a result, over time there's potential for her identity to be very caught up in being a mom and/or a wife, and she loses her individual identity. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). A bit of nursery is great. Then your children are with a parent more and there's less impact on money.I wouldn't want my partner to go part time tbh. I would never judge a SAHM because of those threads alone, equally because of those threads I’d never judge a WOHM. I give him his space...but he also gives me mine. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty for being exhausted and worry they’re not keeping the house neat enough or taking good enough care of the kids, even when their husbands aren’t complaining. No one comes here and says 'I work fulltime and dp/dh does half the house work'You arent going to see people posting about their totally normal fair home situation. If being a SAHM has always been your dream, then you should've married someone who was supportive of your dream. A gift to see that my husband was going to be there for me no matter what. If he wants the nice holidays then he will have to pay for them! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! Hello! You noticed that animals in the wild keep their young with them. The ones where you can then later work 15-20 hours to get a bit of pocket money? Chaunie Brusie. * i feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed*The difference with the sexes being reversed though is that DH isn’t actually carrying a baby for nine months, giving birth and then breastfeeding all whilst trying to conceive another one and hold down a high powered job with very long hours - It’s not the same. Mums usually are at home as they birth the baby. One parent should be available. He wants to control you so that you make him the purpose of your life. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. My husband said I'm the only one with a problem so he won't go. Where you got that she would do it without discussing it, I don't know. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). Your setup needs to change so that when you welcome your next child you aren't in this uncomfortable and stressful situation again. He works and I agreed to stay at home since the birth of our son. £200 voucher to be won, Win up to £500 worth of clothes: Share what you would buy from Zalando, Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time, Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox. In at least 3 posts.So it's a game of dibs?Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins? And what if ops husband wants to go part time or be a sahp and she does too? Subject: Re:Husband will not let me be a SAHM. Anyway, no he can’t stop you leaving your job. I understand you want to spend time with your DD, most people would want that, but equally most people have to work! My husband and I have almost twenty years of wrongdoing between each other. Relationships. The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. Where do I get one of those? For our daughter, it meant she would not get to go to her favorite place. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. Is it worth it to keep your career trajectory? It's just the way nature intended it. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. Staying at home can be a long term solution to a short term problem.I'm not understanding the part time work/full time pay scenario - sounds great! She sees her mum about 3 hours a day and is with my cousin 10.I've also not said people should not work. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). What would you say if your husband wanted to give up work and be a SAHP? So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. Take this survey - £50 voucher to be won, How have you shown your appreciation for the NHS? A lot of times, when a separation happens, the higher-earning spouse (let’s call him the husband, because in most cases, unfortunately, that’s still true) stops having his paycheck direct deposited into the joint account. Idk if you're financially dependent on your husband but if so get your ducks in a row my friend. So if she went full time we are talking £700-£900It's great if you have family helping for free. No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. Op should invest a couple of years into her child before she goes to school. Anonymous: My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. Going back full time because you can't stand being home sounds like you don't enjoy mother hood. It's already not working for you as it is, and you haven't resolved this issue with your husband so why add a second child into the mix as things stand? I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. My hubby, like yours, enjoys spending some kid-free time with me in the evenings. ... Subject: WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time. Not judging people for not working. Meanwhile, her husband had taken a liking to talking to other women and having various spells of infidelity. Stay-at-home moms - and actually I think all women do this to a certain point- have a tendency to step away from their individual identity and invest more into being a mom and being a wife. Anonymous: My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. That's how it's supposed to be. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). We had a similar situation and I was able to negotiate a part-time first, now I work remotely for multiple clients. Hello! I think you have to make the judgement based on your individual family and family needs. As others have said, this will be very expensive for 2 children. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! Would PT not be a workable compromise? So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I'm not sure I would even want to SAH but if I did, it isn't an option lol. When I was pregnant with our first daughter, my husband and I never really sat down to hash out what would happen after she was born. So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. That he was going to be someone I could laugh with, have romantic dinners with, walk on the beach with, and enjoy the good times with, but he was also going to be someone who would stay by my side when I was at my worst. Burnout is a real thing and can be a huge obstacle to overcome, prevention is so much better than a cure! But it's a false narrative and irrelevant. This is all about respect. I don’t know why married women say, “My husband won’t let me,” without even a whiff of self-consciousness or embarrassment. poor man having to provide for his family) She has said they have discussed it, had many arguments about it, so she obviously is not just forcing him to provide for his family. I would also hold off on TTC. Chaunie Brusie. Published May 6, 2015. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. When I was pregnant with our first daughter, my husband and I never really sat down to hash out what would happen after she was born. @Shadyshadow that’s what I meant - on MN there’s a high proportion of threads where the woman works and does everything, so it’s easy to see why lots of women reading and posting on MN want to be SAHM. It cost me £106 a month for my 2.5 year old to go Monday and Friday for 3 hours a time. That’s why these threads will always be so split and why it needs to be decided on an individual basis between the family, not one person in the family deciding for everyone. My cousin works in one and a baby calls her mummy now. I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable, you just might find that your visions of family life might not be compatible. I would guess she gets to keep more than 300. Men have managed to raise kids and work for generations.Or are you saying those men didnt raise their kids.Kids who go to school have stopped being raised by their parents at 5? They get maternity. I must admit I would be v unhappy if my partner unilaterally decided to make me the only breadwinner and solely responsible for the financials. Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. Raising children is so much more than being with them 24/7. If your husband doesn’t want to do that and he lets you do all the hard things alone, it means that he doesn’t respect you enough. It would be very stressful for your husband to be the sole earner, and whilst he seems to be expressing himself badly, he does have a valid point. Older kiddo is already in elementary school. Husband Doesn't Respect Me Because I'm a SAHM. Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”.How many of those 168 are waking hours? We have massive arguments about it. The working spouse tries everything to get the spouse with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome to look for a job. Not in my makeup. Friends may hav… I have a father.....so that's not a spot my husband needs to fill for me. You aren't being unreasonable to want a less stressful job or less hours as a new mother. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. He should want to provide for her stay at home. How about you both drop a day? Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. Going to parks and stuff too. Perhaps he needs to apply for a higher paid job and you need to apply for something that is less stressful. It's perfectly acceptable either way! @katharinaRosalieNo they are getting an education! Can you change job? And how come all the men can afford to work, but all women have those tiny little jobs paying minimum wages? And what happens to you in the future Op? Good luck. Your DH needs to understand that you are suffering, stress is affecting your health and your parenting, and these things unchecked can lead to far bigger problems than smaller cars and less holidays. If your husband isn’t 100% enthusiastic about you staying at home, then it won’t work. For the sake of 3 years??? I also said part time or one full and another part time. I'm talking babies and toddlers. To do this he will manipulate your beliefs, he will control your thinking and your decision making and he will manage your behaviors.He will even change how you think about the world and your place in it. Even if a child is in nursery 8 - 6 for 5 days a week that’s only 50 hours out of a week of 168 hours. But he can decide how he wants to deal with it if you do. Small children is a hard stage? I feel like he is hanging over me all the time, telling me what I can or can’t do and why I am always wrong. It's no fun to be pregnant or a new parent in a state of uncertainty. Of course you can't just decide to live off his dollar, you both need to provide for your child, if your job is negatively affecting your health then find another one. To be repulsed at this outcome? You change your life for your kids It's like parents who say they hate being home and work for their sanity. A child in childcare is being raised by someone else? Your marital partner should be your teammate and there is no place for lies in your relationship, even when the truth is harsh and tough. And that was another position she took pride in. My ex was working full time the money wasnt great, eventually i said i had had enough and wanted to work again. How about an interesting well paid job instead, like the ones men seem to have? It’s equally clear why those threads may encourage women to be WOHP. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I can’t really advise without knowing detailed figures about both incomes and your outgoings. My husband NEVER goes to the grocery store with me. I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversedI thought that! I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. Subject: I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. And continued in that role in their home when they added two more children. I don't understand pp - one person leaving their job shouldn't be a unilateral decision in a household. Part time seems a reasonable compromise though. You should do whatever is best for you Op - Your dh shouldn’t be able to control what you do especially if it’s damaging to your health. where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else, where a woman is seen as GIVING 50% to the relationship by raising a family and supporting the household (OR SAHDs, for those that want to pounce, but on this post I am responding to the devaluing of SAHMs), it's no longer a case where morals and family values and good old fashioned common sense is timelessAnd where both want be a sahp? I find that incredibly sad! I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty for being exhausted and worry they’re not keeping the house neat enough or taking good enough care of the kids, even when their husbands aren’t complaining. Get over yourself. And as noted by the above poster - I presume then you acknowledge when your children go to school at age 5, they’re being raised by someone else - by your definition. It does sound like it will cause massive problems in your relationship though.Are you sure you want another child with this man?? I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter. You should make a plan to leave. All this adds up to a change in personality for you. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I was referring to posters who said she should just quit. If being a SAHM has always been your dream, then you should've married someone who was supportive of your dream. I don’t want to be around my husband any more and need help getting out of this mess of a relationship. Thank you, @sueEllenMiskeWell the price of childcare isn't cheap. Anonymous: I had to work 24 hours a week at an internship for 3 years of schooling go - 3 full days/2 days of school (5-6 classes) and it very much impacted my grades. When I did. He's a doctor in private practice so our finances are fine. He HATES it! They are on a chaotic loud noisy room. Unfortunately as a single mum of teens, ive got to work plus id be bored. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. Hello! I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. Published May 6, 2015. I don’t care what other people do and don’t judge them for their choices but I was not put on this Earth to be kept by another human being and to spend my whole life as a mother and home maker. It does kind of hurt that my ex’s new wife is a SAHM, but I’m thankful for that too because she is able to be with my kiddo during this Covid epidemic while daycares and schools are closed. Who's right? These years won't come back. It should be a natural urge for him.Huh? Was either of your parents cold or critical when you were young? It doesn't have to be all or nothing?Did you enjoy your job before? You have taken it upon yourself to change the narrative. If your husband doesn't earn enough to support you two and potential kids, then it doesn't make sense that you'd fight to stay home, knowing there won't be enough money for that. I'm wondering what the responses would be if the roles were reversed on this thread.I think the decision for anyone to be a SAHP needs to be a joint decision. This is page 12 of 22 (This thread has 544 messages.). Who's right? Yet, he won't let me go easily while I'm crying, begging for a divorce. 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